old people

I've come to the conclusion that being old is just like being drunk all the time.

Point 1) When I'm drunk I can never find my wallet. I once hysterically tore past an angry japanese-speaking bouncer in a tokyo club to search frantically for my wallet in the bathrooms for a good half an hour before realizing that it was in my pocket. My grandma goes byzerk at least once a day convinced that she has lost her wallet/passport/jewelry bag until she realizes that it's in her purse.

Point 2) When you're drunk, you just say what's on your mind. You ask really obnoxious and blunt questions like, "Why are you so fucking passive aggressive?" and can just say "Sorry, I was soooo blackout that night. I didn't mean it." Same with old people, like when my 70 something year old Italian voice teacher told me that my butt looks bigger. Except that she has the implied excuse of being old. Well that, and she's probably not sorry becuase she ment it (but I guess you did too, really).

Point 3) When you are drunk, you usually fit into three catagories: introspective, angry/grumpy, or really really happy. When you are abot to die, it's normal to think about life and shit. This either makes you really really grumpy like my Papa who watches the history channel and complains all day until he gets mad at you for trying to get him out of his chair, or you don't give a shit about anything and get happy happy happy because you realize that being ridiculously jovial is all you have left in your short, short life.

I am on a boat headed for Nova Scotia with 1999 old people on it. I will test my theories and get back to you. Or maybe I won't.